Why Pre-Marital Sex Is Wrong

Sex in our society. Film stars do it, sports stars do it, politicians do it. Hormone levels are raised by advertising, television, cinema, music and magazines. What is discussed is not so much pre-marital sex, as non-marital sex, or even non- “heterosexual monogamous life-long relationship sex” such is the confusion and need for definition.

Sex is seen in several ways:

1. Sex as "essential"
It is said that there is a natural instinct or need (akin to a hunger for food) which we all have, and that to repress it is damaging to physical and mental health.

2. Sex as "experience"

It is said to be beneficial for people to accumulate as many different experiences of life as possible. Pre-marital sex with several different partners is said to be one of these experiences. Sex is "exciting" and is seen by some as an essential component of "a good weekend."

3. Sex as "experiment"

It is no longer sufficient for a couple to be emotionally, spiritually or intellectually compatible. If they are really serious about each other they ought to discover whether they are sexually compatible too. In the context of cohabitation, this is sometimes seen as a "trial marriage".

4. Sex as "expression"

If two people love each other it is seen as natural for them to express that love through sex, regardless of their marital state.

5. Sex as “entertainment”

It’s free, it’s fun – let’s do it! That seems to be the attitude many have towards “recreational sex.”

In response to these worldy attitudes, Christians can say:

Sex isn’t essential. You’re not less than human if you are a virgin. You’re not repressed if you wait until you’re married before sleeping with someone: you’re sensible! Jesus was born of avirgin, but he was also a virgin himself, while remaining a completely fulfilled and perfect human being. And sex is not just another experience to add to one’s collection. It’s not like going mountain climbing or sky-diving or bungee jumping – just another exciting way to spend a few hours, and nothing more. And sex is too important to just be anexperiment. You don’t need to go “all the way” to know you’re sexually compatible with someone – if you’re a boy and they are a girl, and you’ve both got everything you’re supposed to have, then you’re compatible! It’s not exactly complicated.

There are better ways to express your love for someone you’re not married to. After all, it’s not very loving to have an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease or to make someone feel as if you just want them for their body. It is not loving to engage in any activity that displeases God. And sex is not entertainment. If you’re bored go to the cinema or play a computer game or go for a run – don’t misuse something as important as sex just for a bit of mindless fun. That would be like hiring a Rolls Royce car just to pick up some shopping – a waste, a misuse of something precious, something that is far more important if used properly. Other people’s bodies are not just toys for us to play with and then discard.

Pre-marital sex is selfish:

It is never about the other person. If it was, then we wouldn't be risking the other person's health, getting pregnant, spreading disease, emotional welfare, spiritual state-of-being, and future marriage. It is all about me and only me, whenever pre-marital sex happens.

Pre-marital sex is unloving:

Love = "choosing what is best for the other, despite the cost to myself" and could be summed up in one word = "gift". We are called to love others by being a selfless gift for them. Thus, when we choose something that is about me and is not good for the other, then it is not love. Pre-marital sex, by definition, can NEVER be a loving act.

Pre-marital sex is use of another human being:

John Paul II said using another person as a means to an end (in this case your pleasure) and not as an end unto themselves is the opposite of love. It is reducing a human being to an object. Not treating them as a child of God.

Pre-marital sex is a misuse of our sexuality:

Why do we have these desires in the first place? It isn't just to bring us pleasure. It is to be open to new life (procreation) and to bring a married man and woman together (unitive). These two ends are the purpose of marriage. Pleasure is a by-product of sex. A good by-product, but when it replaces one or both of the real purposes - it degrades the act and we are back at selfishness.

Sex is a gift from God and like any gift can be used for good or bad. It is also a beautiful act between a man and wife - in the context of marriage. Sex is something intimate and wonderful. Just like anything good, it can be twisted to be bad. This is what happens in pre-marital sexuality. While it may "feel" like love, we would never risk another person's future, virginity, pregnancy, disease, soul, broken heart, etc. if we loved them.

Sex should be saved for marriage, where intimacy (of all kinds) is supposed to be. Unfortunately in today's world, we give our sexuality, our emotions, our bodies, and our lives to people we our not married to. We have lost the depth to what a intimacy really means. We end up deadening our sensitivity to it and putting present and future relationships at risk. To put it another way, I have never met a person who saved sex (of any kind) for marriage and regretted it, but I have met thousands who didn't keep themselves pure and now do. You will never regret purity. Never. But, you will always regret impurity, eventually.

Casual sex is rampant in many societies. There is, in truth, no such thing as “casual” sex, because of the depth of intimacy involved in the sexual relationship. An analogy is instructive here. If we take a sticky note and attach it to a piece of paper, it will adhere. If we remove it, it will leave behind a small amount of residue; the longer it remains, the more residue is left. If we take that note and stick it to several places repeatedly, it will leave residue everywhere we stick it, and it will eventually lose its ability to adhere to anything. This is much like what happens to us when we engage in “casual” sex. Each time we leave a sexual relationship, we leave a part of ourselves behind. The longer the relationship has gone on, the more we leave behind, and the more we lose of ourselves. As we go from partner to partner, we continue to lose a tiny bit of ourselves each time, and eventually we may lose our ability to form a lasting sexual relationship at all. The sexual relationship is so strong and so intimate that we cannot enter into it casually, no matter how easy it might seem.

The very beginning of the bible lays a foundation for a Judaeo-Christian approach to sex. The early chapters of Genesis tell us that God created the first man and woman and, seeing what He had made, declared that it was ‘very good’. Genesis provides the original context for sexual intercourse and shows that God has designed this wonderful thing to be expressed within a lifelong marital relationship between one man and one woman. Jesus grounds his teaching on sexuality on those words.

The divine image is expressed as both male and female, and so the man and woman are equally human despite their physical, anatomical and procreative differences. As they are joined together as husband and wife their unity and diversity is expressed. ‘So a man will leave his father and his mother and be united with his wife, and they will become one flesh’ (Genesis 2.24). Here we have a blueprint for human sexual love – through the sexual act the man and woman have a new, incredible kind of intimacy. This is called being ‘one flesh’ – designed to be exclusive and faithful.

The question of how sex outside marriage could be wrong can be approached by looking at the beauty, intimacy and preciousness of sex. God designed that this happen in a safe and committed context of love and devotion. According to the maker, this is where sex is at its best.